Hurts To Love You
by she disenchants
Summary: Haku has reached his breaking point. He loves his master, Zabuza, and there's no denying it any longer. And the only thing worse than unrequited love is having it discovered, so he attempts to run for it. However, things don't go exactly as he planned... Oneshot. Angst. ZabuHaku.


_A/N: I used to RP a Zabuza with a Haku RPer and we shipped them together romantically (although her Haku was 18 instead of 15). This was originally written as a sort of back story; an insight into their relationship if you will. This was written according to our own personal headcanons and takes on the characters. I never published this anywhere, and I figured that it can stand on it's own as a fanfiction. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. You know that. I simply own the ideas/headcanons presented in this story, and my own personal take on the characters._

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That was the night that Haku very nearly left. By this point, the unrequited love he clung to so desperately was threatening to drive him out of his mind. These feelings in his heart had overflowed and clouded his head and left him feeling as though he were going insane. He could not keep it bottled up any longer. He could not allow his heart to betray himself. He wanted nothing more than to rip at his own chest with his well-kept nails until he could pry the damned thing from his ribcage. It was ruining everything.

He'd sat up nearly half the night thinking about it, and came to the conclusion that it was the only thing to do. If he stayed around any longer he would break, he knew it. Something would happen, a situation would sneak up on him, and words would come tumbling out of his mouth before he had a chance to catch them. Then it would be over. Zabuza would never let him stay if he knew the truth. He would be disgusted, repulsed, and even if he wasn't things would never be the same. Besides that, feelings were weakness, and Zabuza had no use for a weak shinobi. His relationship with Zabuza meant everything in the world to him because Zabuza was his whole world. If he messed that up, then he would have nothing. And it was only a matter of time. No, it would be much better if he just quietly slipped away before he got the chance to see that disgust on Zabuza's face when he finally found out the truth. Anything would be better than that rejection.

He knew he could never live without Zabuza. Ever since the man picked him up on that bridge, saving his life in more ways than one, giving him a reason to live… Zabuza had become his life. He had no intention of living without him. He knew of a dark, fast-moving river nearby that would suit his purpose. He would leave, he would end it all, before he could be left. He found himself startled at his own selfishness, but he was so desperate that it was not enough to stop him.

It was around midnight that Haku found himself packing his few belongings into the backpack he used for travel, moving with a crazed sort of determination. He no longer fought the fog which clouded his brain, it would make this much easier if he didn't think about what he was doing. He was about to stuff another one of his belongings into the backpack when he hesitated; it was a small jade hair pin, the end carved into the shape of a rabbit. Once, after getting paid very well on a mission, he and Zabuza had passed through a local market. Zabuza must have noticed how longingly Haku had stared at the pin, for it was with a rare doting smile that he handed some money over to the stall's vendor and bought it for him. Haku had tried to protest, claiming that they would need the money later when they were in-between jobs, but Zabuza had waved his objections away. It was Haku's most prized possession, this small gift from the most important person in his world.

He held the small pin delicately in his petite, pale hands, fighting back the tears which suddenly pricked at the corners of his eyes. His first impulse was to pin his hair back with it and leave, but then he thought that maybe he should leave it for Zabuza. He didn't know what the man would end up doing with it; he supposed that if Zabuza needed money at some point then he could sell it. He felt that since he was being so selfish, he may as well leave something for Zabuza. He couldn't bear to address the fact that he needed to leave something of himself behind, in the hopes that Zabuza would not forget him. Haku was leaving the two things most precious to him behind, and he hoped that Zabuza would understand the symbolism. That Haku would not be coming back.

He folded his hands closed over the pin and brought it to his chest, closing his eyes, his shoulders shaking with the effort of holding back his tears. He attempted to compose himself, rearranging his features into a passive mask. Shinobi don't cry. He placed the pin lightly on his bedside dresser, and turned his back on the room that had been his for the past few months. With stealth that only a shinobi could accomplish he snuck from the room, closing the door behind him without a sound. He did not pause to look back towards Zabuza's room. He pleaded silently with whatever higher power there may be that Zabuza would not notice him. If Haku had to see him he knew his determination would crumple on the spot and he would stay… and slowly go insane.

Zabuza did not come out of his room. So, he had not heard. Haku wasn't sure whether it was relief or bitter disappointment which now pooled in his stomach. He crossed to the door and opened it, caught between the warmth of the hotel and the bitter night outside. He used the last of his resolve to push himself outside and close the door behind him without looking back. He walked from the door, ready to allow the dark night to swallow him whole.

Zabuza's head snapped up as he heard the front door close. He had been in his room sharpening Kubikiribōchō and his other weapons, as he did every night. He would often be up until two in the morning at least, doing this or thinking up battle strategies. Anything to avoid sleeping. Anything to avoid the nightmares. If he dared to sleep he would be revisited by every terrible thing he'd seen and done, and he would wake up in a disoriented panic. These nightmares were one of the only things that truly frightened him. It was something he would never admit to anyone, not even Haku. He despised this weakness of his, and he couldn't bear to face it, let alone tell others about it. Haku thought that his insomnia stemmed from a lack of desire to sleep and nothing else, but that was not the case. The truth was that it was the nightmares which kept him from going to bed at night. If he stayed awake long enough, then when he finally fell asleep he would not be asleep long enough to dream at all. What he did not know was that Haku had been woken before by his yelling, but had not had the heart to tell him. He had gone on the next day pretending that he hadn't noticed a thing.

Haku had forgotten that Zabuza would still be awake, and that was the mistake he'd made in attempting to leave at midnight. Zabuza quickly got to his feet, leaving his sword behind, and moved into the hallway to investigate who or what had opened and closed the front door. The first place he checked was Haku's room… and he found it empty. He frowned, irritated and confused. Usually Haku went to bed at a sensible hour, so why wasn't he in his room? It didn't take him long to discover that the room had been emptied of the boy's belongings… save for one. He picked up the hair pin from where Haku had left it on the bedside dresser. He stared down at the small object for a moment, as though he couldn't comprehend it. Then he frowned and closed his large hand gently around it. Even if Haku had gone somewhere, he would never have left this behind. It was the boy's most prized possession. He felt as though he had been punched in the gut, his breath was practically knocked out of him with the impact of the realization that if Haku left this, he must not be intending on keeping it… he must have really left.

He knew that Haku had been acting strangely. He knew that things had been off between them. But he honestly wasn't sure why, and he had never thought it would come to this. He thought Haku needed him… he didn't want to admit it, even to himself… he thought that Haku needed him as much as he needed Haku. He was not sure how to process the emotions that this gave him, so he turned it into anger (a tried and true strategy of his. His one fallback. He did not have emotions. He was a demon. He only had anger, bitterness, and hate. Right?). He turned towards the door to Haku's room, and passed through it, towards the front door. Haku couldn't have gotten far; he could follow him… and say what? What could he say to make the boy stay? He had nothing to offer Haku, and he knew that. But something drove him out of the door after the boy.

Haku hadn't gotten far; in fact he had only gone a few paces away from the hotel door when he stopped to think. He'd thought that he'd been prepared for this, but it was as though an invisible tether kept him attached to the man he'd left back in the darkness of the hotel. He found he could not breathe, he could not take another step. He stood there, shivering in the black night, trying to steer himself to continue. He had just mustered up enough willpower to begin walking again, when he sensed someone behind him. He felt his heart plummet to his feet as his entire body grew warm. He didn't need to turn to see who it was. Who else would it be?

Zabuza approached Haku, his movements starting off confident. As he got closer, however, he began to move more cautiously, as though he were approaching a wild, skittish animal who at any second would take off. He slowed his steps until he was only a foot away from the boy. Haku didn't move an inch, but he knew that the boy was aware of his presence. For a moment, he simply stood there, outwardly confident but inwardly scrambling for something to say. In the end he settled on the only thing that came to mind, the only thing that mattered. In a voice barely above a murmur, he muttered the boy's name, "Haku…"

Haku still didn't turn around, and it took him a moment to find his voice. When he finally did, it was no more than a hushed whisper which hung in the form of vapor in the frozen air, "What is it, Zabuza-san?"

Zabuza stood there, all of the grace and strength of his body wasted in his indecision. Finally, he lifted his hand in which Haku's rabbit hair pin still rested, and looked at it for a moment. He took a step forward, effectively closing the distance left between them, so close that the Haku could feel the heat of the man's breath on the back of his neck as Zabuza bent over him. "You forgot your pin," he said, his voice surprisingly tender as he lifted the pin and gently slid it into the bun which held the boy's hair.

Haku's eyes widened, and he felt tears pool in them against his will. He finally turned his head to look up at Zabuza. He'd thought the man would be furious with him for attempting to leave. He'd thought he would be banished from Zabuza's side before he even had a chance to explain himself. That simple gesture held more weight than Haku could begin to describe. And Zabuza's words had sounded… sad. His eyes frantically searched the man's face. There was nothing there to suggest any emotion unless one knew where to look, and Haku did. He found what he was looking for in Zabuza's eyes. They were the one part of Zabuza that he'd always been able to read. It sometimes proved difficult if Zabuza was making a conscious effort to hide things from him, but right now he was not. In fact, Zabuza seemed surprisingly vulnerable-looking in the soft light of the moon, standing there making no attempt to stop him from leaving, yet making no attempt to cast him away.

Zabuza's head tilted slightly to the side, and he had to make an effort not to look away from the boy's doe-eyed stare, those eyes that he knew were always searching for a crack in his mask, for a chink in his armor, for some place that he could sneak past Zabuza's defenses. What Haku didn't know was that he already had; he had made himself an integral part of Zabuza's life. Zabuza was still not entirely sure when it had happened, it was like he'd awoke one morning to find that Haku was suddenly essential. There was air, water, food, and Haku, and that was what he needed to live. Just this thought was enough to drive him to the question, "Where were you planning to go?"

Haku was taken aback by this question, and even more so by the amount of… hurt behind the question. He must have been imagining it, as well as the tired sadness he saw in his master's eyes. "I don't know, Zabuza-san I just…" he blinked a couple of times, then turned away, ashamed of himself.

Zabuza's hands sub-consciously balled into fists. He found himself growing angry again. What had he done wrong? He'd given this kid everything he had. He had taken him in when he had nowhere to go. He had given him food, shelter, training. And what was the thanks he got? For the boy to attempt to run away without so much as a word of goodbye, without even leaving a note? He was infuriated (for, you see, angry is much easier to deal with than hurt). He kept his voice cool, however, as he responded, "You just what?"

Haku flinched as he noticed the subtle shift in Zabuza's voice. So he was upset… This was what he'd expected, and he had no right to shy away from it. He turned back to face Zabuza and lifted his eyes once again to meet his master's. _I just can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I can't even look at you. I love you so much it hurts… And what I mean is, it hurts to love you._ His eyes silently pleaded with Zabuza to understand what he was truly trying to say, as he brokenly whispered, "I just can't tell you."

He couldn't tell him? He was just going to leave and he couldn't tell him why? That was too much, before Zabuza even knew what was happening, the night air was split by a sharp _Crack!_ as Zabuza's hand came down hard across the boy's check. Haku's hand flew to his face, his eyes wide as he stared up at Zabuza with betrayal etched into every bit of his posture. Immediately, Zabuza drew back. He had never struck Haku before. Never. He had scolded him, offered him biting remarks, and ignored him entirely, but he had never hit the boy. He was entirely disgusted with himself, and felt just as horrified as Haku looked. He turned his back on Haku, unable to even look him in the face.

Silently, he moved back towards the door into their hotel room, and without even turning back said, "Please come back inside." Haku was too stunned to object, both by the pain in his cheek and the fact that Zabuza had just said "please" while requesting something of him. The hurt and betrayal that had initially flared up when the man's hand made contact with his face was already subsiding because he felt that Zabuza was thoroughly justified. He deserved much worse. Still, it was with the air of a dog with its tail between its legs that he followed Zabuza back into the hotel. He hovered in the doorway, still slightly dazed. Zabuza closed the door behind them, and put a hesitant hand on Haku's shoulder, and when the boy didn't shy away he escorted him to the couch and sat him down. Neither of them bothered to turn on any lights, preferring the natural darkness. It was much easier to hide in the dark.

Zabuza sat next to Haku on the couch, but left a respectable distance between them. Without wasting time trying to decide on the best thing to say, he softy asked, "Does your cheek hurt?" Haku shook his head slightly, and Zabuza frowned, assuming that the boy was lying. He sighed, and looked away. Haku was confused by Zabuza's reaction. Where had all that anger gone? He had been plenty angry in that moment, Haku certainly felt that, but his rage seemed to have left as fast as it came. Zabuza kept his gaze averted as he said, "That was uncalled for."

A slight blush, crept into Haku's cheeks; Zabuza was apologizing to him. He waved his hands in front of him, slightly flustered, "No, Zabuza-san, really, I—I deserved it. I'm sorry for—"

Zabuza cut Haku off before he could finish apologizing. "No," he said resolutely, "you didn't."

Haku bit his lip and looked down at his hands, which were now folded in his lap. After a moment he found himself confessing, "I'm sorry that you took notice of me leaving. You weren't supposed to. This was supposed to be easy. I know I'm not necessary to you, and so, I… Well, I hoped you wouldn't notice so much…" he trailed off, choking back the sobs that once more threatened to overtake him. _Shinobi don't cry. Shinobi don't cry._

Zabuza looked over at Haku, then. Was that really what Haku thought? "You're wrong," he stated. "You are necessary. I need you." He said all this matter-of-factly, in his classic tone, as though it were a sentence of little importance. But Haku caught the meaning behind it. He was important to Zabuza… necessary even. That was all that mattered.


End file.
